Wednesday, November 30, 2011


I can’t imagine the pain. The pain that comes from grief.
My friend John was in a cell for 48 hours after he smoked marijuana in the streets. He got beat up by his dad twice as a kid. He says that he’s not scared of his dad because his dad is a foot shorter than him. But I feel the pain that he holds. John six-pack and muscles can’t hide his pain that he holds inside because I know he wants a real dad.
Grief grips so many people. They hide and their shame and grief creates layers of masks. I want John to talk, tell me of his pain. But what if he doesn’t have any pain? If the pain already left and he doesn’t want to talk?
I want to listen and grieve with someone.
There were so many tears at camp.  At the two empathy circles, I cried. I was the first in tears. I needed to cry because there were so many feelings bottled in me. I cried for Paul. I cried for Abby. I cried for my self because I had tortured myself and was so depressed last year. I wanted to the bad feelings to leave and nothing bad to happen. But what normal? How was I to determine the future? I loved camp. I loved holding Pooh as if my life depended on it and pouring my tears out in to Poohs’ fur. I felt lifted up and light after I cried for 20 minutes straight.
Paul walked over after and we stood. Our hug meant that I could keep crying and that I had a friend who also had pain.
We let go and walked down stairs to lunch.
Skylar and I hugged. Tears still raced down my face.  Why was I the only one crying?
I decided not to eat lunch. I went out and sat under the tree, looking out and thought about last year and how much I hated people, especially Nick. Maybe hate was too strong. Nick made my life hell and I never talked about it. Nick made his friends turn on me. Jason and Kevin hated me and talked about me behind my back. Lucy laughed at me and spread rumors about me. I felt cheated and even Christy couldn't save me. My grades sucked and dance was overwhelming. But I had to push though. I didn’t really have a choice. I thought about how much my life has changed.
There was pain and I had was left with only words. Words were cracked and spilled over on to paper and drawings as I danced across the lawn.
All of us had fun hugging, crying and laughing.  We were so sad to leave each other at the end of the best 10 days of my life.
“Breathe. Just Breathe.” Lauren would tell me. 

That was me. I'm sorry to say but I feel better knowing that some one might hear. *Also, I did change everyone's names from from but I did not from school, private info and I don't want to get in trouble* 
I feel better with friends and family that I know can lean on and cry when I feel like I need to. I made more connections with people at a 10 day camp then I did with some people at school for a year. How is that possible? Because we learned to trust and connect with others.
Eric only put me down for 1 thing in the show -- the stepmother. When I got that, I just wanted to do tech. I feel and felt awful because I felt like I wasn't needed. I sort of just want to do tech now and quit. But I can't because I love being on stage. So I decided just to go on and audition for stepmother and maybe someone else. Who knows what will happen?
I am grateful for Google Blogger for being a great place to pour your thoughts in to
I am grateful for old photos for bringing back great memories of great friends
I am grateful for phones because I can call dear friends that i have talk to in a while
I am grateful for the UNC hospitals because they opened a new sacred mediation labyrinth that is a cure for all
I am grateful for dance because it is one of the many ways to express your self
Thank you for listening

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