Wednesday, November 30, 2011


This is your  life
Appreciate it
Because, I swear
No one else will
You can do what every the hell
You want and you can see
What ever you want
But listen and listen closely
Is fragile as shit
And it is so easy to mess up
You can twist your life aound
And turn it upside down
All in about 5 seconds
Take care and think
Before you do
But what I think I am doing
The right thing?
How am I supposed to know
What happenes?
Well, baby
Live and learn
"You have to be bad
To be good!" - Peter Piche
If you mess up
Go, get help
Learn about what you did
And then don't do it
Figure out what you did
Wrong and do it right
You have a brain
I have seen screw up
Use it
Use it to your advantage
Its there to help
Not destroy


I can’t imagine the pain. The pain that comes from grief.
My friend John was in a cell for 48 hours after he smoked marijuana in the streets. He got beat up by his dad twice as a kid. He says that he’s not scared of his dad because his dad is a foot shorter than him. But I feel the pain that he holds. John six-pack and muscles can’t hide his pain that he holds inside because I know he wants a real dad.
Grief grips so many people. They hide and their shame and grief creates layers of masks. I want John to talk, tell me of his pain. But what if he doesn’t have any pain? If the pain already left and he doesn’t want to talk?
I want to listen and grieve with someone.
There were so many tears at camp.  At the two empathy circles, I cried. I was the first in tears. I needed to cry because there were so many feelings bottled in me. I cried for Paul. I cried for Abby. I cried for my self because I had tortured myself and was so depressed last year. I wanted to the bad feelings to leave and nothing bad to happen. But what normal? How was I to determine the future? I loved camp. I loved holding Pooh as if my life depended on it and pouring my tears out in to Poohs’ fur. I felt lifted up and light after I cried for 20 minutes straight.
Paul walked over after and we stood. Our hug meant that I could keep crying and that I had a friend who also had pain.
We let go and walked down stairs to lunch.
Skylar and I hugged. Tears still raced down my face.  Why was I the only one crying?
I decided not to eat lunch. I went out and sat under the tree, looking out and thought about last year and how much I hated people, especially Nick. Maybe hate was too strong. Nick made my life hell and I never talked about it. Nick made his friends turn on me. Jason and Kevin hated me and talked about me behind my back. Lucy laughed at me and spread rumors about me. I felt cheated and even Christy couldn't save me. My grades sucked and dance was overwhelming. But I had to push though. I didn’t really have a choice. I thought about how much my life has changed.
There was pain and I had was left with only words. Words were cracked and spilled over on to paper and drawings as I danced across the lawn.
All of us had fun hugging, crying and laughing.  We were so sad to leave each other at the end of the best 10 days of my life.
“Breathe. Just Breathe.” Lauren would tell me. 

That was me. I'm sorry to say but I feel better knowing that some one might hear. *Also, I did change everyone's names from from but I did not from school, private info and I don't want to get in trouble* 
I feel better with friends and family that I know can lean on and cry when I feel like I need to. I made more connections with people at a 10 day camp then I did with some people at school for a year. How is that possible? Because we learned to trust and connect with others.
Eric only put me down for 1 thing in the show -- the stepmother. When I got that, I just wanted to do tech. I feel and felt awful because I felt like I wasn't needed. I sort of just want to do tech now and quit. But I can't because I love being on stage. So I decided just to go on and audition for stepmother and maybe someone else. Who knows what will happen?
I am grateful for Google Blogger for being a great place to pour your thoughts in to
I am grateful for old photos for bringing back great memories of great friends
I am grateful for phones because I can call dear friends that i have talk to in a while
I am grateful for the UNC hospitals because they opened a new sacred mediation labyrinth that is a cure for all
I am grateful for dance because it is one of the many ways to express your self
Thank you for listening

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Live to Laugh

Ahh death. But what is it? Is it really the end of a life? Or is it someone passing their life to someone else? Or is it just another candle going out?
This is the time to be thankful for what you have and will have. But who knows? Define Future. How do you measure the Future?
I wish I could go back in time and tell my self all that has happened so far in my life and how much joy I have right now. I am ready to shed the masks off and have fun with my new naked skin. I can than dance and let the cool breeze wash over my open arms and my clean face. My legs are swarmed by then clean air as my back twists around the refreshing wind.
This is what everyone's life should be like, letting go of the past and grasping the future in two hands because one hand isn't as sturdy.  It will take a while because who knows what will happen. Take time to bud in to a flower because the world maybe be dark.
You can choose. Choice is the way of the world and you can be non-violent. Choose peace over fights and think of what the outcome will be. Empathy and not sympathy and let people know that you can listen and hear what they are saying. Give them your back in every situation.
I am grateful for the Goo Goo dolls
I am grateful for music
I am grateful for the ability to let go
I am grateful for the ability to become a flower and bloom at every chance
I am grateful for kiwis for being really cute and delicious
Thank you for listening.

Monday, November 28, 2011


I think that I have got some where in my musical life!
I am in a band, Undecided and we did this showcase. My and my band mates miss each other so we are deciding to maybe keep going. We have some instruments (does any one have any drums?!?!) but its electric guitars and a keyboard and a mic and possibly a bass but I have to say, I am really excited. Bands always have an interesting beginning and some times it's rocky so I feel like this is going really well! I love performing and maybe we can get some gigs. I feel like I'm setting the bar too high though and expecting this all to work out but who knows?
I am grateful for Elsa and Paris, for being a great band
I am grateful for my dog Juno because she is so cute when she tells you she wants some love
I am grateful for Uncle Smilie for polishing all that silver at Thanksgiving
I am thankful for music, for bringing the best out of every situation
I am thankful for life and how fortunate I am with all the great things that i have
When life hand you lemons, appreciate them, breathe and make the best out of them. If it is lemonade, then ok. If it is throwing them at people, thats ok too.
Breath easy and confidently. Big and deep breaths are key in enjoying the moment in which you are in right now.
Thank you for listening

Sunday, November 27, 2011

This is the life

I love expressing my self.
I can dance and write which are great ways to show people what I think. All you have to do it write the steps to peace and non-violence.
My mom read this article that if you write gratitude at least once a week, your health would improve.
So, here is my gratitude:
I am thankful for Sarah for showing me this.
I am thankful for my parents, they are the rocks of my life and pull me down when I go crazy.
I am thankful for Johnny Depp because he is the best Jack Sparrow is the world.
I am thankful for Sam for being a great ball of energy
I am thankful for Ish and Ickle for beginning to great dogs
I love being happy and having the ability to speak.
But, I confess, I am scared. My dad is signing me up for a climbing camp next summer in Switzerland. I know that I am a social person but there is going to be new people and in a language that I do know but....
Thank yo for listening