Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Never Mind

This life is an interesting one.
A lot if things have happened since I last posted.
Life changing things. No, really. Life changing things.
January 17th. I got surgery.
February 1st. I finished my 4th round chemo.
February 2nd-17th. I'm at home.
My birthday is coming up and I can't wait.
So, this whole cancer thing is shitty as hell. I don't have any hair. I lost weight. I have a 'battle' scar from surgery. Part of my gut is sticking out my tummy. (Long story. Not going in to detail about that!!)
I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to encourage me to keep going. Just to be there when I need you. You can feel bad for me, just don't show it. Because that's that gonna help me feel any better. I need people to be strong with me because for me, that is the only way that we are all going to fight this battle together.
Yes, cancer sucks. I know that but I have to deal with that and I am. I have a team of unbelievable doctors. They are working hard. I am working hard.
People die from cancer. But people also survive. Cancer survivors are the people that inspire me and those are my hero. Sure, I also admire Harry Potter but he has cheated death so many times, I don't even know what to think any more. (He does have a wand...)
I can survive this.  

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

This little life

It is amazing being home. I was home for two weeks, then 5 days of chemo and now I am back at home :) I can not tell you how happy I am that at home because I think that the hospital just makes me depressed after a little while.
But, my weight. I was 87.5 pounds. It was scary and disgusting. I was so thin. I did not want to be 87.5 pounds. It is hard to eat, I do admit.
I found that with me, if I eat a little but every hour of something that is high calorie, I can gain some weight. And I did. 6 pounds in a week.
But the nausea is the worst. Knowing that I had to eat but every single thing makes me sick. I think its the smell and the look of food.
I love to eat and it is so hard.
Last night was a really really really sucky night. I haven't been eating much lately and thats causing the acid in my stomach to act up. So basically, I was trying to throw up but there was nothing there to vomit. Today, I made peace with saltine crackers and water.
I really want my old life back, the life that I knew. The life where I went to field hockey, stressed over school and saw friends. Because this new one sucks way more than you can ever imagine. I want to get back on the field and play. I know that this is crazy but school gives you something to do. I do have trouble finding things to do. Yes I could watch TV all day but I need to move my body.