12 hours

I love Christmas. Don't get me wrong. This one was so sad though. It didn't feel like Christmas and now, it just feels like a regular old day. There was no snow in St. Louis and we didn't sing that many Christmas carols. There was no cookies made or music played constantly.  We went to  lot of parties but that didn't mean anything. I felt like there was no Christmas cheer, or if there was, it was all just fake and trying to hard to be happy. I love Christmas but this year, it just didn't feel like it.  I got some great presents though. A vegetarian cookbook and an iTouch 4! There were great many presents under the enormous tree. Candles were lie and tape everywhere.
My cousin was there for a couple days. He is so much fun to be around. He is 9 but has the energy of like a 6 year old. I came to the realization that boys always act at least 3 years younger than they actually are, So like a 13 year old boy might act like 9 or 10. They act young until about 18 when they go to collage. My cousin acts about 6.
We drove to St. Louis. A 12ish hour drive that was wasted away in songs, movies and books. I saw my 2nd cousin for the first time ever. Even my 16 year old sister has never seen him. His mom, my great aunt, was a teacher and she had all of these ugly Christmas sweaters and we all wore them. So my parents, my two sisters, my great aunt and my two second cousins all put on a ugly Christmas sweater and my great uncle took the picture. My guy cousin had such big muscles that when he tried to put of a vest, the little buttons things wouldn't close at first! It was really funny because he spent like 5 minutes trying to put on the vest.
In St. Louis, we went on a doughnut tour through out south St. Louis. It was so much fun to walk around and check out all these people's doughnuts and get so fat. We only went to 4 places but we couldn't eat after the 3rd place. Some places were so small and there selection was so small but some had so many options! They must not get that much business because there are a lot of doughnut places. But man, those were good.  Warm doughnuts and coffee....best compo ever!!
My family and I went to have a pedicure at La Petit Spa. I have like this dark red hat is so pretty. The ladies there were so nice and it was comforting to sit in a massage chair and have out feet scrubbed and cleaned for once. My feet are so ticklish so I was kinda of dying because she would move her hand and I would flinch.
We went to this little Asian restaurant that was near Wash U and it the best vegetarian noodle dish in the world. The sauce was really good and the crunchiness of the peanuts. Amazing but the coconut ice cream in like a chocolate cookie was really good. Even though I hate coconut.
Random fact: Micheal Buble is a 36 year old Canadian and is married to a 24 year old Argentinian.  He is from Vancouver. I love his songs and his lyrics are so true.
I just watched Crazy, Stupid, Love and loved it. Ryan Gosling is super hot and he is great with Emma Stone. It is definitely worth seeing. I don't really know why but it is really good.
My sisters birthday is on Monday and I figure out what to get her. She is turning 11.
Play in the Wild is going to be in October this year. I really want to go but the problem is that I can't just say "OK East, I'm taking a week off. Sorry about that but I'm going to a camp about nonviolence." I don't think that I'm going to go which really bums me out. I love it last year.
I am thankful for Ma'am and Sir, Sam and Uncle John
I am grateful for my parents and my loveable family.
I am thankful for computers and musical devises
I am thankful for Ryan Gosling
I am thankful for my life
I am thankful for the Carolina Inn and the Franks
Thank you fore listening

The better half of me

Oh my goodness, what is this? It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. My sweet sister is trying so hard to be cheerful and be in the Christmas spirit but I feel like the more she does, the less spirit is in me. It's unfair that she is trying so hard to liven things up and we are fighting her.  It's not that cold and there is no snow and we decorated that tree yesterday.  Stop seems to have stopped and fast forward so much and now we are just sitting here, catching our breath as time still races around.
Einstein Bros. Bagels are so good! They are light and fluffy and aren't that filling. Man, those are good.
We drove in Thursday to St. Louis. It was so long and hard, but it went fast. I feel that time is purposely trying to play tricks on me. I only have like 6 months until I leave my closets friends amazing teachers. No more microwaves and sitting on zafus, hilarious moments and the girls braking out in song. The uke practises are going to be gone. We will enter the great life of high school and then everything will hit me. I won't have the great friends anymore to cry on. It sucks.
I am grateful for Sam
I am thankful for Michael Buble
I am thankful for my sisters
I am thankful for Vevo
I am thankful for being together with family
I am thankful for my second cousin, it was nice to seem for the first time ever
Thank you for listening

Relaxed and Calmed

Sorry that I haven't written in a while. Today, I didn't really do anything. I went to Weaver Street and shopped with a friend.
In 6th grade, some guy i didn't know called me anorexic. I was just sitting there, waiting for my friend and this guy dropped in the seat diagonal from me. I looked over at him and then looked away.  "Hey, are you anorexic? You kinda look like it.You need to gain weight."
I remember feeling hurt, not really knowing what to think. Was I really this skinny? Was I all skin and bones?  What will happen?
That always triggered me. Sometimes when I eat a cookie or a sweet, I think of that guy in 6th grade, asking if I was anorexic. But sometimes, I choose water over soda and a salad over lunch. What is that? is it just me being healthy? I do try not to eat as much and only go for seconds if I am really truly hungry. I always pack some fruit in my lunch an try to have a balanced meal.

I'm looking through pictures for my grandparents Christmas present. It makes me sad, looking at all of those pictures and not being able to go back in time and relive that amazing experience. I miss all of those family experienced with my cousins.
Some people don't even get that chance to go places. I had some friends who haven't been out of the state, much less the country. I hate bragging about where and what I have done. It's like I am better than all of these people and I know things that they don't. 

This is the one shot that you have at life. Please, don't screw it up. Life means so much more than what you think. You can change so much with the limited supplies that you have. One man's trash is another treasure. Do something  and be helpful, not harmful. Smile and appreciate.

I am thankful for Lucia
For joy
For relaxation
For Aunt Ami
For Scotty McCeery
For dance
For field hockey
For awesome friends
For Adele
For music
For chocolate
For Tracy Chapman
For tears and forgivness
For love and light
Thank you for listening

When people pretend they know, they don't actually know. It is so hard learning and creating all of this choreography for the show and people just nod and say, 'Totally, I know what you. I know how you feel.' No, you don't actually know how it feels. Having legit moves at the right times every time you are on stage isn't easy. Dance doesn't just come to me naturally. I was to play with it and wrestle the idea of different moves strung together. I have to have a stage presence the entire time that I'm on and concentrate on the moves that I have created.
It's like writing a speech in a week with background that you didn't know that you needed until now. You want to show the world what you do but you don't know how to say it in a way that matters. I want to show people what I can do and that I am a proud, strong dancer. But I don't know how to show that with the resources that I have.
Completely different topic but....I had a great day yesterday. I hung out and blocked for the show. I talked with friends about nothing really and made my self really good hot chocolate. I talked to my friend via text and it was great to talk to someone that didn't spend every minute with me. Even though my dance teacher got mad at the Oncler family, I let that go. I understand that we still need practice but I'm glad that Steph was mad and not Melody.
Forgive me if I'm wrong but I'm in the wrong place at the wrong place. I don't know what's happening and I need something. It feels like something is missing and I don't know what it is. I do get lost in the beauty. Maybe I'm just dreaming aloud.
My dear friend Maya lives next to a beautiful creek. Their piece of land that their house is on is elevated and there are so many shots that you can take. The water being hit through the trees.
I am grateful for Maya.
I am thankful for my parents.
I am thankful for Amy McDonald.
I am thankful for iTunes.
I am grateful for my school.
I am thankful for daCi
I am thankful for Peter
Thank you listening

Come Home

The most tear jerker songs are the ones that people turn away from. People care about Justin Beiber and none of his songs have any meaning. He is only there for the money and not for the truth. The song Come Home by OneRepublic ft. Sarah Bareilles speaks the truth. They know what life is about and they are old enough to have experienced life. Justin Beiber has no idea what life is about. I don't give him any credit for his butt-ugly looks and terrible lyrics. Why do people clog their eyes with false messages and untrue realities?
I need to feel you hands supporting me. You arm heavy around my shoulder and hand gently pressuring mine to lead me. The soft, white cotton shirts loosely flutters in the wind as we dance around. Our hair perfectly curls and whips our faces. The pressure of being with people disappears and the birds sing out. We steady ourselves and press our hands together. We stand there, feeling the Earth below us and the grass tickling our feet. Can you do that?
I don't miss my old self at all. Self-criticizing my self and not letting myself wearing cute clothes or go shopping or have a social life. Why did I let my self do that? If I could tell my self one thing last year, it would be: "Listen kid, life, it gets better. Who gives a shit what people think? If people don't like you, who cares? You will get past Ryan and Sam. Life will be better and you are never going to have to see those people again."
Life gets better. It can change in a few minutes or in a few months or even in a few years. My life changed in a few minutes. Well, more like a few hours. A very happy day was last year, graduation day. When the two people that made my life hard graduated. It got better. It's still getting better. I have a great circle of friends and my grades are slowly but surely going up. I love my life and I think you can too. Life gets better. Middle and high school sucks. Face it and don't let it get you down.
Thank you Sarah. You are amazing. You are an awesome friend but I am sorry, I haven't been the same to you. You have yet to let me down. I love how you can channel you emotions in to paintings and in to music. I can trust you and always have a ball laughing with you. Thank you.
I want you to know who I am. But this feels like the movies. Everything seems to cliche and sophisticated and I am supposed to say the same thing. I don't want to say the same thing, I want to be different and me.
It makes me so sad when there is child abuse and no one cares, denies that they are abusing their owning children. Killing them because they fell in love. Denying them the opportunity to learn and change the world. Do you notice that the news articles that are in the news are about the fathers? And his daughter? What about their sons? They are screwing up this world. There are many countries that have never had a female president. The USA is one of many. Never have we had a women president. Women couldn't even vote until about 1920. 90 years later. Many Arab and African countries, women can't have a life. They cook and clean and the men SIT and wonder why there is so much housework. Solution: get off you lazy butts and help change the world.
I am thankful for Sarah.
I am grateful for my mom
I am grateful for Lucia.
I am thankful for 2ne1
I am thankful for Grossmami
I am grateful for Stefan
I am thankful Ryan -- from church -- for the great cleaning job he did
I am grateful for Kayla and Julia
I am grateful for camera's.
Thank you for listening.

Snapshot

I get to be a dancing cow that gets sold. SAY WA?!?! A dancing cow? I try to be a good sport about it but I am a dancing cow. That doesn't get any lines. Chris might kiss me. Not on the top of my to do list. I feel bad because I have nothing to rehears expect for the end.
I took a ton of nature photos. I was really bored and the sun was about to go down and there was little light left but I got great shots with no intention of ever getting them. I hate that. You are trying so hard to get this one picture and it doesn't turn out great but then when you accidentally push the button, there is a great photo. The light bounding off the leaves just as you snap the picture.
Switzerland next summer! Switzerland+mountains=climbing camp for Sophie. Happy days are here to stay. It's not that I'm not happy, I just am super-nervous. It's only for 5 days and my family is only like 2 hours away but...
I am so happy for Christmas. I have gifts for people and I am super physicked. I have gifts for everyone but my dad but I was thinking of getting him coffee. :)
Ramon for dinner. I hope my has an egg on it. There is this one Ramon that is really not good. It's like starchy and a little soggy. Really not good but I like the crunchy ones.  Parents are debating either to sit on the ground or on the table. I say ground.
I am so excited for Christmas. But not the 12 drive to St. Louis. My cousin isn't gonna be there until 10:30 Christmas day. Hope that it is another white Christmas.
Coffee was bad. Miscommunication so we had an extra 2 pots of coffee after and Michele was so pissed. I felt bad but so what? Andrew didn't come so Alissa helped. The coffee crew from last week didn't poor out the milk from last week so Michele was mad. Why does she get SO mad SO easily? One little mistake and she is really mad for 30 minutes. What's the deal? It's a little scary actually going up to here because she is so mad sometimes. I'm afraid to ask her things because she looks so angry.  Peter lets you know and Melanie never is really mad.
We made gingerbread houses today and ate ourselves sick from all the candy. Many people made like storage bins and had to store a lot of candy. Someone ate all my gummy bears but 2. I love gummy bears and now am very sad. Mine kinda just looked like a church or something. Thanks Steph!
I love Pan Am. I think that is great. It has bad parts, (every show does) but it is so funny.  I love how the characters act together and I love Ted. And Maggie. Them two together are so funny. Maggie just kinds goes all over the place and Ted manages to bring her back to earth.
Glee, I mean I like it but it's getting a little boring. I still love it but I'm not really keeping up with it. They are doing great songs but it just isn't as interesting.
I am grateful for Elsa for making Ramon.
I am grateful for Stephanie for helping out with the gingerbread festival this morning.
I am thankful for Barb for helping with my math instead of Melanie.
I am grateful for Stefan, last night was very funny
I am grateful for Alissa because she cares in her special way.
I am grateful for my friend Emily in Canada. She is sweet and is great to talk to.
Thank you for listening.

When your'e gone

I miss my old self and I wonder if I could help recreate those wonderful memories. I want to be there when everything important happened. I wish I could tell my old self that it gets better and to turn things in and that a DE isn't that great. Re-do things and make them better.
Memories are lost the second that they go by and they can never be repeated. But laugh when needed and cry when there is a shoulder. Take the pictures and write the needed words.
Dance was so hard. I'm not that good with learning new material so when I had to learn and entire new dance, it was torture. I can get it after a while but I feel bad saying, "I need that to be repeated." Doing it over again extra times when I feel that everyone else is getting it the first couple of times.
My grandparents are leaving in January. That is so soon but America is their second home. English is their second language. If it wasn't for the grand kids and their sons, I don't think that they would even come to America after my grandfather retired. They might not even come here any more. Every year, they stay here shorter and shorter. Sometimes it's just days shorter but that makes a difference. Leaving in January and coming back in like September.
So, is this what life is going to be like? Leaving and entering life over and over again? Knowing that you are going to come back but then never do? That's how I feel sometimes. You leave but then your back and I don't want you any more. The cycle repeats.
I am grateful for Advil and icepacks
I am grateful for Ferris Bueller
I am grateful for pillows
I am grateful for headphones
I am grateful for The Brady Bunch
I am grateful for U2 and Greenday
I am grateful for Katie and old cameras
I am grateful for simple moments and resting places
I am grateful for Alissa
I am grateful for Peter, Michele and Melanie
Thank you for listening

I feel so bad for bullies and the bully victims. I think that a bully is actually a bully victim because they are so angry at something or someone that they then respond in such a way that is hurtful. If anyone saw Johna on YouTube, it is heartbreak to know that someone is that hurt inside. The pain that you feel when you are knocked down and torn apart. But think of collage, only four years away. High school will be better and that is only a year away. It will get better. But each and every one of us has more than a millions to live and to be here in this moment in time. You are special and there are more than enough reasons for you to be here. Breathe and let your self let go because you are special and one of a kind.
I was bullied last year. Looking back, I am glad that I kept it all to my self because then my parents would have been involved and I didn't want that. But I wish that I had talked more to Lucia.
The great discomfort of being a dancer is that your knees and various joints always hurt. You learn to live with blistered feet and sore thighs. Pinky balls and ice packs become your best friend. But then you feel the joy of performing and doing what you love. Arching you back and lifting your knee and kicking you leg and stretching your arms and neck to the fullest. Getting the perfect combination. Perfecting your point.  Moving your body.
I love this year so much more than last year. Last year was hell. I think that the 8th years (then 7th years) were really cliche and a lot of the other girls and I weren't that good of friends. But know I feel like I am better friends with like Sarah, Kayla, Julia Alissa and Emma. All of us grew together more and we are more comfortable together.
I hate not having a camera on me at all times. The world is full of pictures and I hate not capturing them to show. 
I am grateful for Katie kat for walking with me and listening to me rant
I am grateful for Kate because she was able to share a beautiful song by her friend that died
I am grateful for Catherine because she is an amazing woman
I am grateful for Victoria because she is so funny sometimes
I am grateful for the great the conversation this morning-- thats all you need to know
I am grateful for YouTube for providing music and videos
Thank you for listening

Wildflowers and dreams

I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while. We are doing In to the Woods as are school play this year. I'm super nervous for the auditions tomorrow but I think I'll do fine.
I burned my tongue drinking super hot rich hot chocolate. It was really good but super rich. Like liquid Ghirardelli chocolate.
I think that life is great. What is there to hate? You are the controller and you hold the reins. Sometimes you get angry and life is a roller coaster but you were angry, not your mom or dad. But you let your life be a roller coaster.
We got the Christmas tree today and it is up but looking a little bear because it still needs ornaments to be hung on it's limbs. Christmas season is finally here. I have got gifts for the teachers and for 2 friends, Sarah and Katie. What should I get for my sisters? My dad? I have my mom's present.
Photos saved me from despair because what better way to capture the moment and then show people what you have accomplished. The light shadowed on to the leaves of the trees and the twinkle of the sun as it bounced off the water. But some of the most powerful are of the people that make America, who are in overalls all day and farming our land. When we picked up our tree, there was a great photo of the Christmas trees in one area with the lights above them and the tent/tarp where the netting stand was and the desk with the supplies while the bright luminous lights shown on the chainsaws. The beat up red pick up truck rest in the background as we wandered the aisles of trees. Playing hide and seek through the thick branches. I love Pattisons Mill because it is chock full of old fashion nick-knacks and penny candies. The sprawling field and occasional wild flowers.
I am grateful for my parents.
I am grateful for Bells, for great hot chocolate.
I am grateful for Alex Steiner, for texting me back
I am grateful for Lode because he always makes me laugh and texts me back
I am grateful for Peter because He can walk right in to it and be so cool with it and has the ability to just let it go
I am grateful for dreams and thoughts
I am grateful for Kayla for the great talk we had over washing coffee pots.
I am grateful for Lucia for the talk that we had on the field and for listening to me rant and say "I'm done. No wait, one more thing..." So many times
Thank you for listening

I miss you

Haaaaaaaaa. Sometimes, all you need to do is just blah. You need to get the excess crap out of you.
Today was a good day. I got over yesterday's hill of sadness and arrived here. I forgave myself and Peter. It feels good. Letting go. It will take small things to shred and layer by layer, you will shred down each and every bad thing off of you. I fell like a flower bud, ready to bloom but I can't.
I really like Tracy Chapmen. She has a really strong voice and I love her music.
I realized that I want to do something with my life. I want my name  on a board in a conference room saying "Sophie Steiner did this with World Peace. We should invite her to come and talk. We should be more like her!" But isn't that what every person wants? To be famous? But everyone is special and different and I love it so much.
I really miss my cousin Alex. He is a freshman at UNC but it feels like he left forever and he lives in like L.A. I haven't heard from since like June or something crazy. It was his bday in November and in the past, we had a birthday dinner for him and my grandmother. But now, I feel like he felt and isn't part of this family. he never calls or just stops by. I feel like he doesn't care anymore. I really miss him. He never came over before but on a couple Saturdays, he took my sisters and I and my cousin out to breakfast. I feel like I lost him.
I am grateful for Jason Wade because his music is really good
I am grateful for hidden memories because they are the most surprising.
I am grateful for Alissa and Lucia. I don't really know why but I think that they are awesome friends to lean against.
I am grateful for my friend Lode for listening across text
I am grateful for tears because I think that with out them, life would be boring
Thank you for listening.