Never Mind

This life is an interesting one.
A lot if things have happened since I last posted.
Life changing things. No, really. Life changing things.
January 17th. I got surgery.
February 1st. I finished my 4th round chemo.
February 2nd-17th. I'm at home.
My birthday is coming up and I can't wait.
So, this whole cancer thing is shitty as hell. I don't have any hair. I lost weight. I have a 'battle' scar from surgery. Part of my gut is sticking out my tummy. (Long story. Not going in to detail about that!!)
I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to encourage me to keep going. Just to be there when I need you. You can feel bad for me, just don't show it. Because that's that gonna help me feel any better. I need people to be strong with me because for me, that is the only way that we are all going to fight this battle together.
Yes, cancer sucks. I know that but I have to deal with that and I am. I have a team of unbelievable doctors. They are working hard. I am working hard.
People die from cancer. But people also survive. Cancer survivors are the people that inspire me and those are my hero. Sure, I also admire Harry Potter but he has cheated death so many times, I don't even know what to think any more. (He does have a wand...)
I can survive this.  

This little life

It is amazing being home. I was home for two weeks, then 5 days of chemo and now I am back at home :) I can not tell you how happy I am that at home because I think that the hospital just makes me depressed after a little while.
But, my weight. I was 87.5 pounds. It was scary and disgusting. I was so thin. I did not want to be 87.5 pounds. It is hard to eat, I do admit.
I found that with me, if I eat a little but every hour of something that is high calorie, I can gain some weight. And I did. 6 pounds in a week.
But the nausea is the worst. Knowing that I had to eat but every single thing makes me sick. I think its the smell and the look of food.
I love to eat and it is so hard.
Last night was a really really really sucky night. I haven't been eating much lately and thats causing the acid in my stomach to act up. So basically, I was trying to throw up but there was nothing there to vomit. Today, I made peace with saltine crackers and water.
I really want my old life back, the life that I knew. The life where I went to field hockey, stressed over school and saw friends. Because this new one sucks way more than you can ever imagine. I want to get back on the field and play. I know that this is crazy but school gives you something to do. I do have trouble finding things to do. Yes I could watch TV all day but I need to move my body.

This Girl is on Fire

I am on Fire because I am on my second day of my second round chemo.
I had the most wonderful breakfast this morning. Waffles, hash browns, sausage and eggs from Ye Olde Waffle Shoppee. It was pretty much the best.
STOP!
Can't think about food. Getting nauseous. Damn nausea because half the time I'm starving and can't eat because eating makes me throw up.
(Which is did 4 times yesterday...) 
But I am doing so so sooooo much better. I am in a bigger room that has an actual window. My other, tiny, crappy, awful room had a window that showed me another beautiful, sexy, grey, concrete building. What a thrill to look at.
But I love my new room because it is big and I can walk more and I have better view of the slight hills of Chapel Hill. But there is color and more variety to look at and it is all just more pleasurable.
I need funny YouTube videos. I need to laugh. There are videos that do that but I need way more than I have.
So, I'm thinking that because I have all this time, I can learn all these things. I'm learning to knit and there are several older people at my church. Some of them know how to needlepoint and I'm thinking, 'Why not learn to needlepoint? It gives me something to do and it's needlepoint...
I do miss dancing though. Just moving my body. When I get home, (if I ever do get home...) I will slowly start to move my body because I think that's what I need. Just feeling the rush from the music and feeling it pulse through my body.
I wish that the new James Bond movie was on Netflix because I love that movie. Or at least the theme song. Or maybe it's Daniel Craig that I love... It's amazing. Judi Dench was awesome as always. Great, wonderful movie that I want to see again!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwssKoeMCqQ
Best video ever.

Just sitting

A lot can happen when you have cancer. You eat less and smells makes you nausea and you kinda go crazy after a little while.
But for some strange reason, I have been trying to find calm. I have noticed when my back hurts and I advocate for my self and ask for meds.
Sure, I don't want to be here when I'm supposed to be at home. Sure, I want to back to Switzerland. But life isn't about wishing something can happen. I have to take reins and steer my own path.
I am so lucky to be here because all the doctors and nurses are super super awesome. They want me to get better so much.
 I took a shower yesterday. I soaped off all the sweat and tiredness and everything that was bad. I put on a new pair of non-sweating pj's and so much deodorant that I felt like a different person. The pink in my hair came out but I'll put some more in later.
I've been thinking a lot about Switzerland last summer. It was really kept me going because my grandparents offered to buy me tickets to go to back next summer. I almost cried because to go to the place the I love alone with my grandparents is unbelievable.
So I advice that everyone count their blessings, find peace through breathing and enjoy life's little moments.

Home

I came home yesterday afternoon from the hospital. I love my room. I love how calm it is. I love how clean but good clean it is. I love how nurses don't come it every 30 seconds. I swear, I saw half a million people before 10:30.
I'm at home, watching TV and reading People magazine. It has been a good day for the most part.
The things I really don't like about having cancer is all the damn fluids I have to take and all the pills. Meds make me crazy because I feel like I'm always getting them and fluids just make me feel yucky inside.
I hurt. A lot. Especially my belly and my back. It sucks. But I need to put on a smile and power through this because its only gonna last about 5-6 months. It seems like a while but it is only 5-6 months.

This little story about a big thing called cancer

I am 14. I have lived a long time because a lot can happen in 14 years, 9 months and 4 days. My life has have it's ups and downs but nothing like this because this is a different up and a way bigger down.
People, I have cancer. It is a challenge that I am taking day by day. I can't think about whats gonna happen tomorrow because then I forget about today and living today as best as I can. Don't worry, my cancer isn't serious. They aren't even quite sure of what type of cancer I have.
I will live today. I will reflect on yesterday and ask only questions about tomorrow.
This all happen so fast. I'll tell you my cancer story so far.
So it was Monday, 11-12 and I had no school. But I did have a doctor's appointment. My belly is normally small, flat and average looking. But the last couple of weeks, my stomach has become distended and became bigger, which puzzled them but they let it go. When I went to the doctor on Monday, they said that there was definitely something in there that needs to be checked out. So on Tuesday, I went in to get a CT scan and that's where they found something weird. They decided to admit me in to the Children's Hospital. And then Wednesday, November 14th, they told me that I have cancer. Even a week later, I still shudder ever so slightly because I am 14.
I have had so many tests and surgeries and biopsies. They took out almost three liters of fluids out of my stomach. In a way, I feel like I am a new person because I have had to push through chemo and just be grateful for every little thing that it is my life. I have amazing doctors who are amazing in their way. My primary doctor stayed up late because he wanted to figure out what type of cancer I had.
I am so blessed. I have a wonderful network of people who believe in me and will do anything to make sure that I'm comfortable. I love when people text me, send me flowers and call me. Send me food, write a message on Facebook and pray for me. I love it all because I know that through all this, I can get better. I have faith and please have faith with me.
So I started chemo on Wednesday, 11-21. It was one of the worst experiences that I have ever had because it made me feel like I couldn't do anything. On the first chemo day, they gave me a drug - I forgot the name - but I had an allergic reaction to it and it was the scariest thing. I couldn't breathe and it felt like there was all this pressure on my heart and it was standing still. I could not breathe or move. They did a Rapid Response and I was terrified. I could barely breathe and these nurses are flying around me while doctors are just standing, observing. They get an oxygen mask on and I feel immediately feel better because I have a steady source of oxygen, I remember just sitting there, thinking: "I could have died. Or lived. But I choose to live. I am living. I am going to win this disease." I sat there as doctors did their things but I reflected because I am so lucky to be alive. You have so many choices and you can make as many choices as you want because hell, that's life.
So, here I am. On my third day of chemo and I am going strong. I love my doctors and they are doing everything in their power to help me and help me survive. So, so far this is my cancer story. Stay positive. Have hope. Believe in yourself and your doctors. I'm afraid to cry because this is all overwhelming. But  have learned little things each day and I'm doing fine. I love visitors and talking to people about mindless things makes me feel better about myself. I don't really know why but like just sitting and watching Gilmore Girls. It  is soothing and just what I need to calm down and be in my own little world.
Thank you to all my friends who have been understanding through my cancer life. I'll be doing chemo for quite some time, please don't hesitate to call or speak with me because I love visitors a lot.

But You And I Are Really Just The Same

  I would get on a bus

A bus for Human Rights

So that every person

Can live with no

Abuse or violence

So that girls can

Live with no 

Harm

That boys can

Share the wealth

So that every human

Is equal

And no one 

Is at a loss

I would get on a bus

And travel

I will stand

On my own two feet

And I will support myself

If no one else does

I will get on a bus

For Human Rights

Hunger carves in a hole

In two opposite people

The people of power

Of gold and wealth

And the people of nothing

Nothing to live for

No food or water

People talk and talk 

About changing

What are they going to change?

Travel and listen

Don't sit and talk

I would get on a bus for 

Human Rights

So that every human can

Live without a hole

Of hunger

I would get on a bus

For Human Rights becauese

The empty, dark hole

Needs to be filled with

Light, music and art

So that every word

Can be hear

And no one is ignored

And there is no empty hole

Every talks but no one

Does

Will you?

--

Sophie Steiner